In a recent conversation with a friend discussing the "surprising" behavior of his spouse, I realized I was saying the same thing to him that I had said to others who confided in me their stories of woe when a loved one acts out "it sounds to me like she/he was looking for or creating an excuse to leave."
Over the course of time I've seen patterns
emerge in the dissolution of most relationships. Horrible endings to a beautiful relationship, all that have unique
elements but are strikingly similar. One
pattern that is very clear is that of a partner making a big deal of what is
seemingly a small issue in order to create a reason to leave. It's hurtful, and it leaves the other partner
bewildered as to why the molehill got turned in to a mountain.
To me, those behaviors clearly reflect a time when the other
partner has learned all that he or she can learn from the relationship and it is
time to move on - so an excuse is
created. Wouldn't it be nice though if
we as humans could just acknowledge that all things are temporary, and everyone
changes as we move through this life. If
you can drop your expectations of what a "relationship" is and
instead journey on the path together, but as individuals, having a similar but
very personal and unique experience, your relationship may last a lifetime. However if you EXPECT it to last forever simply because at the time you both, traveling the same path, said "I do," you may be sadly disappointed, dismayed, and even shocked when the path diverges. There is always so much pain in
parting, especially when false excuses are created because we just don't
understand why we aren't happy with that person anymore - or we think
our partner won't understand our unrest or unhappiness, so we struggle
to
create distance and animosity, instead of struggling to create
understanding
and peace.
Instead of ending the relationship with strife and hurt and resentment and anger and
BAGGAGE, if every couple could agree at
the outset of their journey, "Hey let's do this until it just doesn't work
anymore and then let's reevaluate; I
will respect your needs and your journey, and you will respect mine. If you feel it is time to move on, I will let
you go with blessings - I will miss you and I will be sad for a time, but I
understand that your time with me has been as fruitful and rewarding as you
needed it to be. If my turn to move on
comes first, you will send me on my way.
You may ask me to stay for awhile longer and I will be honest with you
whether or not that is a gift I can give to you, or if it will just cause us
deeper sadness to delay our parting. I also understand that if you feel that the time has come to end it, well then, it probably is best for me too."
Fighting to keep our partner is our instinct, and human
beings will initially want to keep that person by our side because change is HARD and
we had an expectation of FOREVER. To manipulate a person to stay in a relationship is false
reality. To build mountains that are insurmountable is torturous. To push a partner away with harshly creates unnecessary strife and
confusion. But
there is an inevitable time when the parting must happen (for most people at
least once or twice in our lives) in order to create space for a new
opportunity to enrich our journey to come along. Even though long-parted, some people still have a hard time admitting that it was no longer a healthy, idyllic relationship. They are still hurt and bewildered by their partner's seeming betrayal and ultimate departure. "Everything was great, I just don't understand." Even in hindsight some can't understand that the time had come when moving on became necessary. It doesn't mean that your time with your partner didn't matter or that it wasn't special. Or that you were a bad person, or didn't try hard enough. It's not your failure - it's the failure of society that has set this "happily ever after" expectation within you. It just means it was only temporary - as all things are.
When we marry we all want our marriages to last forever
so that our kids will see that lasting love is possible, right? But why must we
stay tied to a person who's journey no longer follows our path to show our kids
that lasting love is possible? Love that
person still, whether your paths have parted or not. Love yourself enough to know when the time
has come to leave so that things don't have to get ugly or exaggerated in order
to let that person go. (I still struggle with letting go, so I understand that there is almost always pain associated with parting, even under the best circumstances, but we can alleviate some of that pain through the acknowledgement and acceptance of impermanence. I also believe that just because you are no longer tied to a person romantically, you may be able to keep them in your life, should you choose to, as long as you understand that their path now goes a different direction.)
A change of expectation of
what we are capable of as human beings on a unique journey, where we invite a special
person along with us but don't expect them to walk the path for us or within
our footsteps, is the best gift we can give each other.
"I must go now, I have learned all I can from this
experience and there is more yet for me to learn to become the best person that
I can be; lessons are calling me. Please allow me the freedom and liberty and
peace to find them and to carry on in my journey so that I can learn more and
teach others how to thrive on their own journey and to love without end."
Peace & Love - Lisa
